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hi im will and im a heroin addicted o.c.d. bi -polar rage throwing time bomb ticking self centered meglomaniac with an over devoloped sense of tragedy. good evening, ////
at times (wrong and right)

driving myself home tonight

i was listening to Bowie ("Fame")

i have the top down

and papers are flying out of my car

in the fashion of people going out broken windows

of a 727 Boeing.

At a stoplight , i began dancing

well sort of dancing

the kind of dancing you can do while seated with a seat belt on

i was really enjoying the syncopation

and the motionless dance i was involved in

when a (of course )

a car full of girls pulls up next to me

it had to happen

right when i was imitating uma thurman in pulp fiction

with the hands across the face

these girls crept up on me really slowly

so i couldnt detect their prescence

till the last moment i saw them through the periphrial

and i tried to play it off

i tried to pretend i was scratching my face or something

and not stationary dancing

it didnt work

but still

these drunk dames, one of them leaps out of her car,

she runs up to me, and im feeling

very antsy , she kisses me on the cheek

the thing is

at the last moment , when she was getting really close

i could feel , the breath of a woman on my neck

it was bleeding into my vugular

i tried to turn so she would kiss my lips instead

but she took hold of me by the ears

and planted one firmly on my cheek

the girl :"Hey no tongue, i dont even know you"

me: "Why leave your car to kiss me then?"

girl : "Well i saw you trying to play it off, it was funny"

not a moment later the light turned green,

and i sped off like there was a star wars convention up the street

she was in the street, slowing becoming a smaller and smaller

object in the rear view, so i clicked the rear view down to

make it so i didnt have to see , how attractive she was

in a denim skirt

with cat glasses on ,

with pig tails dangling over her shoulders

with wonderous eyes that sunk me

she had the breath of Eurydice

she had the lips of Marilyn

she had the touch of Psyche

she had the insight to

make my night


even as a rear view reflection i found myself wishing i could take her home encased in my rear view mirror

train wreck motives

when i get home from work 3:39 a.m.

im usually the only one awake

the house to myself

smoke cigarettes inside at the computer


. im usually the only one with synapses still firing nerve impulses

down the axiom train line


when i get


theres a girl here

on the couch with some of my roommates watching tv

i was about to unwind

but the sheer velocity of the prescence of a woman

threw me off

pissed me off

made me jealous of whomever

she came for

not me for sure

i cant think

cant breathe normally

it doesnt help that shes extremely beautiful

i want catarax when i see a beautiful woman

one with eyes, that gyroscope about

in tectonic plate fashions

sliding against one another

to meet me , trying and

failing not to stare at her

its the same effect

of there being the prescence of a wolf in a rabbit farm

i know shes there

over there

with ovaries in her belly

with felopian tubes in her uterus

with ESTROGEN in her veins

with skin on her body

with fingernails painted the color of her fancy

with skin tone like terran shores

with malicous intent

with fobading inquiries

"who are you"

she says

"where do you work"

she says

"what was your drug of choice"

she asks

"what are you doing at the computer"

she says

"what kind of cigarettes are those"

she wants one

she can have one


to devert attention from me

when she begins to read what im writing from over my shoulder

i freak out

and almost flip kick myself out of the chair

feeling close to defibulators being pressed against my temple

so i play a game

to scare



it starts with my routine about the talking wall

i tell it to her when she asks what i do for fun

"Inject the walls with Clorox"

but it only interested her more

what was my drug of choice she asks

"Highly concentrated doses of pez fed intravenously"

what am i writing

"A deeply detailed description of how strange girls make me want to dwell in

a lysol aerosol can to escape their impeding perdition"

what kind of cigarettes are those

"Their actually the small remains of girl scouts i had buried in the cellar

ground into a fine powder and mixed with a dash of rosemary (for that

spice that cloves have) I hand roll em"

why are you such an asshole she says

"Im not, i just dont know who you are and what youre doing in my house,

making me extremely nervous with the viscous dimentous liquor

amounts of estrogen that excrete from every pore of your being, it

makes me ripe with bouts of insanity and schizophrenic paranoid

dillusions" dillusions of what

she says

"The dillusion that there is something between us just because i want every

woman that comes within a 5 foot perimeter of me":

she steps back when i say this

me : "Thats only four feet, keep stepping"

she steps closer

bad idea

i start pouring salt around me in a circle

to make her think im into some sort of nmeumonic protective ritual of

keeping dames away with voodoo

really i dont have a problem with women

when i get a certain un mistakable feeling

i astrocize them with no reason.

im inconsolable

12 hour grace

obser vocation

i was at a friends house whom i work with last night and was extirpated by my own methods i grew tired of hearing will tell his tired routines of his memorized writings and spilling them about, to whomever would listen the reaction is the same puzzled looks, a lot of oo's and aaahh's the fireworks finale was rained on there was a girl there who looked strikingly like a dame who once gave me my first lap dance in the privacy of my old apartment of her own free will she was no dancer just a friend black light blue bright shed she was standing before the computer monitor so she was bathed in this nacreous half lit wondershow , phosphurence parade, and iridescent dancers twilight the needle skips, because a heart murmur was being forced through my aorta, nervous syncopation, and dancers fright, so then i passed the record into Massive Attack and "Intertia Creep" starts with the sitar, and the tambourines, she starts walking backwards, hip undulations, passing through my vision left to right up to down right to wrongful ways i stirred, crazy in my chair, and wanted to jump out of my skin contained encasement but i remained until she hovered over me looking down at me seated (guys understand) when a girl is standing above you and shes drilling you with her optics, you feel safe, secure, and you have total reassurance that whatever shes about to engage you in you will endure it because those eyes, that mouth, the hands the rose stem legs like superfluous lust pogos, they dont lie, they just walk on you, and she sat in the chair backwards as though i wasnt even there sitting right on top of me, face to face, eyes locked, brutal , deadly stare, and she began to sway, in sync with the drums lowering herself, at me, and making me a sort of may pole that she danced about the strings were becoming entangled, and I felt like a marionette with paralysis, she kept getting up to walk away, and cast this devious stare my way, over her shoulder, down my middle, and dagger lacerate me with those brown brown eyes steel penetrating stare that she had and walking back to me , to nail file me down like a prison bar to stationary fixate me in a 4x4 unescapable sqaure to strip me down to veins and arteries with her stare to dance just for me

against my higher inhibitions i went out to night to see Ash. the wonderous girl i knew somehow from high school when she stepped out from her car i nearly stumbled over my own size 13 shoes she was a sight, departing her car and waltzing over as if she wasnt extremely beautiful as though she didnt have short hair hanging over her eyes like velvet curtains as though she didnt have a walk to her like a catwalking danger vixen i tried to pretend not to notice her incredible figure it was halfway through our conversation on such topics as 1. squirrel golf 2. bull sex 3. cingular wireless employment 4. monopoly choices (we both play as the hat) 5. dire embelishment in austing living when she pulled her hair over her ears for the 3rd time i had decided right then i was going to kiss her that night not on the cheek or the hair but on the lips and pull the life right out of her through her mouth i was dead set on this decision and nothing could persuade me otherwise the night endured it wasnt at all painfully silent like i had anticapated actually she was highly intelligent and well mannered and easy going and easy to talk to a 1st for me when i dont scare a girl away with story about being fired from banana republic she had endurance and stamina for my terrible wit and cynicism i feel sort of like an asshole though when i bring her into the resteraunt where i work i sort of sensed it was like i was showing her off to my fellow employees but i really wasnt i just wanted to drop by and say take a look at this beautiful wonderful girl who has graced me with her company tonight and in your face when the night is drawing near i still wanted to press my face against hers and breathe out pure Ash, walking to her car i start doing mathematical calculations in my head how tall she is how tall i am and how much i would have to lean in whilst she stood on the curb so i could reach her lips succesfully we reach her car and the goodbye speech starts im on autopilot ,me :"i had such and such a time, and can i take you out again?" there is a split moment decision making process i leaned in to hold her by the back of the head and try to kiss her but my perceptions were false i must have forcast a hug and my lips landed squarly on her hair and that was a kiss enough for me any girl who knows not to kiss me on the first outing is massively intelligent unlike me

Y.M.C.A. story i have twenty hours of community service to finish in this month so i stroll down to the YMCA and ask to service them in a community manner im assigned to remove dust from everything that collects dust in the entire facility light fixtures, TV's, air vents, retired senior citizens, and the duster itself also needed to be dusted so im wiping down light fixtures i noticed every guy in the workout room watching me lean over the ladder they were checking me out as dust bunnies were cascading down like grey snowflakes making a pattern around me which i had to bend over to pick up and cast viscious glares at the gay guys all cat calling at me god, guys are such sexist bastards im not meat im vegetable as i work my way into vaccuuming the mens locker room (danger) one of the guys watching me follows me in there i mosey around to use the sucking machine to filter all the crap off the floor now at first glance this guy looked to be in his mid 50's and a business man at that when he spoke i almost wanted to burst out in laughter because his voice was like a puberty forsaken squirrel with a funny lisp guy :"Whats new?" me :"You know doing community service" guy: "Well brother , were all "in the community" ". i got his drift he starts undressing and i turn away i dont want to see any full grown naked men today but he calls at me hes waving a twenty dollar bill at me and motioning towards the shower stall i thought quickly me :"Umm..... i have AIDS" anything to scare him off i dont really have AIDS guy :"its ok so do i" well so much for that so i told the director i was going to be a conscious objector to vacuuming the mens locker again she understood and left me with this director lady:" Well, i thought you might enjoy it in there, since you look gay. most of us have our fun in there" me: "He asked me to do him some community service" director lady :"Oh thats walter, hes the aerobics director" me :"Well, im glad youre staff is so friendly" lady :"If youre straight, go talk to lucilee over there" i glance in the direction shes pointing it was lucille, the short overweight, volunteer with dimentia. lady :"shes lonely these days"

the idiosyncrocies of women women are the most spectular when theyre trying not to be when they do the simplest things putting their hair behind their ears or just yawning sneezing leaning swaying i watched a girl write a letter the way she wrote the "V". in the letter was amazing the "V" was so wide i fell in love with the letter and not her funny guys try so hard to be cool and tough to no avail women most some all none every last estrogen carrying , hair pulling, nerve splitting, "V" writing , leg crossing, purfume excreting, eyeliner applying, flower picking, letter sending, heart crushing, live rejuvinating, friend fucking, soul destroying, life giving, .. one of them i want it all , for them to have i want everyone of them to take a piece of me with them,

whem i woke up someone was playing country music in the TV He said: "Country music" me: "country isnt a form of musical genre its a social disease. Brought over on pre-Victorian era wooden ships in fleas living in symiosis with rats and other vermin. " So he starts line dancing to show me his undying devotion I find myself wishing the rodeo clowns would come in smiling and frowning to rope him and get his ass outta here.

my roommate wes hes ecstatic about taking his daighter to sea world and hes singing the star wars theme like this "Im going to SEA WORLD going to SEA WORLD dun dun dun dun!" just like the intro music Mikel K:" The last time i went to Sea World shamu got a big old boner and was trying to fuk the other whale" Me: "Awesome , i bet it slapped the animal trainers a couple times, i bet a dick slap from shamu can cause a minor concussion, You know what they probably did,,, they had to take shamu to a back room and have some animal specialist jerk him off to calm his horny ass down, Fukin whale semen coming out like a pressurized hose that could penetrate steel, Man can you imagine sexual frustating a killer whale, man, thats got to be a nerve wrecking job" a few moments pass while im deep in thought me :"I wonder if that sorta gig pays well cause im looking for new job, you know, i could jerk off a while, get two hands on it, and pull away" roommates: "It would be like jerking off your last girlfriend the psycho" yea it would minus the carrot costume and crisco oil.,

tweeker date i was delivering flyers for my resteraunt today from across the street i see a girl , young, attractive deadly lethal she is being accosted by some bright white trash guy in a truck trying to get her number as she denies him with the middle finger she comes running up to the table next to me and sits to talk to her friends i say "Ya you tell that guy he cant have your digits" im eavesdropping peacefully she mentions going to a meeting me :"AA or NA" her , name is Conny , :"AA" me :" OK . gotcha you heard about that guy who was beat to death outside of Westlake" Conny: "yea," she says as sitting next to me" I was interviewed by the cops" we engaged in a discussion about recovery bad idea its a really bad idea to throw my routines at her like they were my jokes. me : "What is your drug of choice?" Conny: "Meth, " Me: "Tweeker eh?" Conny: "FUK YEA" she starts bouding up and down in the mannner of a sobriety marble thrown into a blender Bouncing off the fucking sidewalk insanely im a little shoked actually i was sitting with sara, girl from work,, so i go inside to get a pen, write my number on the rough draft of my manuscript As i come outside i see her and Sarah with this terribly scandolous look on both their faces , Handing her the script she invites me to see some band playing tonight at Ruter Bagers or something freakin 8:00 o clock rolls by and she calls me to meet her at Expose the strip club. Im wondering why . when shes 17, im to meet at her a seedy ass place like a strip joint, especially when i promised to never go back to one to myself Walking in the strip club seven dollar cover, i say :"I am not paying 7 dollars tonight she calls and tells me shes actually up the street from the strip joint Walking in there seven dollar cover me: "Train robbery" bouncer:"Never been on a train" me :"Ever seen stranger on a train" bouncer :"Whats that a midget porn" me :"No its a hitchcok movie" bouncer :"Whose hitchcok" me : "A famous porn star with a tralier hitch for a penis" he lets me in for free for the joke, cause he knew who hitchcok was this band has freakin 8 members instruments including saw washboard guitars stand up bass and drums violins They were called the Asylum Street Spankers Their music was a mix between the sound of two motorcycles locked in a metal cage with chainsaws and the sound of a cat being suffocated by a jack hammer God awful country religous music with sick humor thrown in there i hated it im trying to think my way out of this date Smoking outside, and she flashes me her breasts and i dont know what to think im supposed to be aroused but im , sad, because, ive been reduced to being taken out by this seventeen year old high school tweeker with nipple piercings and atrocious taste in music Im the new guy in the crowd and my sociaphobia is kicking in full time, i start pacing, i start looking for napkins to write on , spilling other peoples drinks off their table i was a fukin disaster area just rope me off and hand out hard hats to all around me, also flashing lights and sound when i back up Conny :"I brought you here because youre eye candy" after tripping on everything that exists in the bar, i had to leave i made up some excuse about sociaphobia and she looked really sad when i told her i had to leave on the way home she calls me so i can hear the country band playing a nine inch nails cover of "closer" the night is complete and my writers block is cured fukin tweeker date i wont do it again

i walked into the church because i thought there was an NA meeting there the nun (catholic) escorts me to the confession booth she says "i can read sin all over you like a poorly written fortune cookie" So i enter the box the little protector slides open me:"Forgive me father for i have sinned" priest: "When was your last confession" me:"this is my 1st confession" priest: "The synagogue is down the street, next to the bagel shop and the bank" me :"im not a practicing jew, i was only trying to find the meeting" priest:"How did you get into judaism" me:"i read it off a pamphlet someone handed me on 6th street" priest:"thats not very funny, you were born into judaism , just like you were born into original sin" me:"when does original sin start, is it like an abortion issue and it forms when youre a fetus , or does it start when youre the sperm in your fathers scrotum, or the egg?" priest: "im no botanist (he didnt know this was the wrong word" me: "yes father i had unpure thoughts today when looking at a picture of a womens legs next to a suitcase, cigarettes and a cofee mug" priest: "do impure thoughts bother you many times a day?" me :"yes father they do ,letting a gay man believe you are infatuated and or enticed by him, to recieve free goods i.e; a free cell phone, or mcdonalds coupons , i did this today outside of the homeless center" priest stirred in his seat to hide his massive erection priest: "yes you are a sinner my son but god forgives those who accept jesus as blah blah b;lah " and he went off on his soapbox, i am sure you can imagine what he said. me: "Father, you wear a cross, do you think that if christ ever returns, he ever wants to see a fukin cross again? its like going up to Jackie Onasis with a rifle pendant on" priest:"Lets continue with your confession , as a jew , you are condemned" me :"funny thing about jews, half of my family is jewish, the other half is catholic, so im religously confused, i wear my Yarmulke to confession," and i told him the joke about jew sex which turned into me telling him pretty much everything ive ever written at the end of which goes like this " and that Father is why when a Honduran acolyte offers you the water from the fish tank to drink you say, no thanks inijio i remember which orfice i had to remove the fish from last time, besides , gold fish are for novices, the beta fighting fish puts up a real struggle" priest :"leave now, and dont look at the jesus cross on your way out" ////

oral sex i was reading a bulletin someone posted about the proper way to eat a girl out i read it and was disgusted the girl who read it liked it so much she reposted it with a smile and something about kittens it said meow or something the bulletin basically entailed a certain way to give oral sex to a woman but the author wrote it as though it was the end all be all way to do it and that only he knew this becuase it worked on his girlfriend or grandmother or something i became so enraged remembering the times i had gone down on a girl her legs pressed against my cheeks like i was the thighmaster her screaming something in latin (cant be spoken) and looking down on me with this beguiled look of shock and astonishment she had promised to return the favor by going down on me so i took the ice cubes out of my mouth and i got out of the carrot costume (i was in veggie tales) she said she was only joking about returning the favor her name was charlotte samuels shes a cook now cooking my anger at her "non returned sensual endevour" she called me one day from rhode island drunk to tell me that she loved me i told her "is love the feeling between your legs when i put my tongue there" she said "yes it is:" i hung up havent seen or heard from her since

the walls talk i live in a sober house only the house isnt sober the other night i was sitting in a rocking chair and pacing i heard some whispering coming form behind me i turned around no one was there but i swear i heard a hushed voice say "psssh, hey buddy over here" i looked to my left it was the wall it was whispering to me wall :" hey buddy, i ve been listening to you sober addicts bitch and moan about the price of oreos and crack all day, im fukin fed up, would you give me a drink?" me: "Are you a pink floyd fan?" wall : " Only of The Wall" me: ":Thats a terrible joke, you want to drink? Why? i cant give you any alchohol becuase id drink it first myself, im a recovering heroin addict anyways" wall : "Well, give me some of that heroin" me: "Where would you want to take the shot? i mean, how do i tie off a wall, wheres your vein, and what color will the blood be in the syringe?" wall : "Well , i guess shoot me up in the stud on the two by four nearest to you, it leads through the aorta directly to my wooden blood pump, also, tie me off with plyers at the base, and the blood will be the color of termite ridden wood, gold" So i start pacing around the house to find these things, i dont want the wall to go unsatiated, check list 1. Syringe 2. Plyers. 3.Hammer 4. Nail 5.Coffee 6. Heroin ok i thought i dont have any heroin to inject the talking wall with what to do what to do Picks up phone calls my dealer "Hey its will man!" dealer "The last time i saw you , you were pulling up bleach into a syringe to kill yourself with. whats the matter, you got no bleach? ill bring you some!" me :"Na man i need some breeze (slang for heroin in san antonio) dealer: "Why" me: "Well ive got the plyers and the wall said he has a ventricle in a stud by the two by four and if i tie him off with plyers he can take a shot with his gold colored blood" dealer: long pause, hes eating chips, and smoking simultaneously. " Will, the walls main vein is actually where the knots in the wood are." then he hangs up so much for that wall : "any luck there" me : "Yea," i go to the laundry room and get some bleach, i pull it up into syringe and im scaling the wall with my hands , running them across a plethera of splinters until i find the knot wall: "not that one, its my butt" ok, so i find it, pull up some gold blood into the syringe, and inject the wall with bleach. the wall subsided slowly its dying words were" Cant you find better bleach than clorox?" fukin talking wall needed to be put out of its misery

////i loved it i woke up on a carpet i didnt recognise damn it was comfortable like a plush matress stuffed with penguin feathers shaking the haze out of my eyes i peered around where am i? oh yea im at my manager friends house we all got slushed and played x box till the early morn i posted on myspace how drunk i was all my friends in recovery looked down their noses at me through the internet you can hear the automated voice of the metro bus announcing what street im on i say "thank you robot voice, i needed to clear that up" somewhere in austin i believe im gonna kiss that damn robot///ring ring ring ring ipick it up "hello youve reached our lady of the immaculate mal content" she hung up probably a catholic/////

the postman approached me carrying a bulk supply of letters that nearly required a hand truck to carry he said "r u will terry" trepidation and fear are stirring in my coffee i use them as creamer me :"mostly" "ok these letters are for you" he hands me a shoebox full of letters i can smell her curve perfume in rank amounts fumating in an exterminator fashion from the box its the box she used to hold the shoes i bought her the strappy black bebe heels with stiletto tips the ones she hit in the head with over and over one night placing the box at my feet i open the first one she drew a picture of a heart with a syringe through it on the cover inside the letter says "youre a rotten piece of shit id like to let you know" the second letter has a dead tiger lilly inside and a semi vivid orchid. the letter says "im fucking keith the dealer in austin right now, i wanted to let you know, hes a much better lover than you can ever hope to be" she is my x girlfriend its her job to tell me this the third letter has a picture of me and her in a hottub locked in a mortal coil. a real beautiful kiss it was on the back of the picture she taped a mini polaroid sticky photo her kissing keith must be recent she looks emaciated this will make a great bonfire i say time to go get some chocolate and marshmellows////

im filled to the core with such a vile amount of angst its unnatural after pacing like a caged begal tiger outside spending the ENTIRE day here at the house reading jonathan swift, voltaire, and burroughs, it took me to a panic driven state of obnoxious depreavity to realize im not even a hundreth of the writer i could be i engaged the drinking scenarios in my head "well ill go down to the jackelope, but last time i was there i almost got in a bar fight with some hick who looked like the benevolent patriarch from Our Lady of the Immaculate dairy queen" his dirt road demeanor enabled me to realize he wore his back woods candor as though it were epoxied into his face. besides i drank there until the barkeep cut me off. telling me :"we dont serve drunks" i looked around "id never drink in a dive like this anyways," there were misconstrued poorly painted pictures of naked women thrown around randomly on the walls "who designed this place Frank Lloyd Wrong?" barkeep: "hey, he designed the Phi delta theta building for the university of washington" me : "i would crash this place like a rock thrown into a frosty winshield in D.C." the naked lady pictures were bathed in this terrible red hue to make them more appealing, some lush next to me pulls out a maglight flashlight to point out just how revealing the closest picture is. how depraved i thought that flashlight isnt nearly bright enough i told him, besides, id love to see what kind of intelligent other stellary like would laugh at this too. aliens watching humans getting off to 2 dimensional images then again, i thought, i could go to the palazio nononono., no terrible idea, ill leave pennyless and completely disenchanted at that place, besides, jewel isnt working today hardly worth the effort, ill never go back there the next time a woman derobes for me it will be of her own free will and not because of my greenback dispertion rate and whatever job she thinks i hold down to support her electrical bill/cocaine vodka habit/////

illustrious disaster dewars on the rocks its the kind of look when youre in public and you try to open an obviously locked door the total shocked demeanor that encases you as though youve never come across a locked door before you scale the exterior of the building with your eyes looking for some misplaced door of mythical origin Sioux and the Banshees comes on as i take my first drink in severeal days pre-meditated lushness i can still see my father balling like a pre-pubiscent crush broken teen. sobbing at the M.S. that has taken him over Im drinking today because indoor sycophancy needs a leader not tasteless followers Recovery dogma taight me some basic anti-heroin techniques but i recall nothing about ethanol, the liquid thrill kill whose love affair with me has endured many a hardship. ill be post drunk when i walk to work and enjoy it. as a catalyst precursor take the edge off, youve earned it weve come a long way from snorting virulent opiates at some guys house and passing out on the floor night after wreckless night. my mom calls for easter plans, train thought derailed and esque. speech slurring syllables ethanol ice and all myspace truth filtration buegler habituality Christi's rape scenario, my solution: wrap it up in a shower of dewars, Jack daniels or otherwise. who goes to a bar to write i do. the running sentences that javelin contest themselves in my skull over and over theyre the ones i have to script unless i write them down they'll form on my skin and start excreting in random transmission from my stupid lips. they want out from this sinking ship and keeping them in is polishing brass and rearraning deck chairs on the titanic its all going down innoculous consternation that i am the illustrious disaster she says i am the butthole surfers are now blasting in 30 megawatt intervals after loitering around at the far end of the bar and being ignored by the barkeep i make my way round to the front/ some drunken biker says "Id appreciate it if you dont sit in my chair" his speech was so trailer affiliated it almost had an outhouse as a period and a wife beater as a preposition. me: "im not taking your seat im just getting another drink" turning my back in that safety ignoring turn we all do him : "Well id really apreciate it of you dont scoot my chair" lethal amounts of scotch scent are tumbling out in fractals from his mustache. me : "my bad" its no day 4 a bar fight/ i fathomed buying him a drink but i refused myself later im seated in the cascading view of mirror reflected sunlight and refractions from the street. Up comes this irish guy with incredible side burns i tell him im half scot half irish him :" Whats that called a shitty whiskey?" its extemely early in the day to be drunk the sun out like the flashlight of some deity pointing right at me. saying] "there he is, the lush, the drunk, the wasteful writer the illustrious disaster."/////

sight to mind i think its been officialized in an office somewhere theres a man in a suit with a corflower blue tie in his hand is a green stamp newly inked up on his desk is a picture of me, and a list of atrocities and miracles that ive commited "will terry, approved to watch in vacant longing at every attractive woman who walks by , and he is forbidden to approach or converse with them, also, he must be in direct sight of this girl as she over-flirts with some abercrombie reject model open collar gel haired polo shirt sporting thoughtless soulless fuk whose name is probably brad or hunter fresh out of some ive-league fraternity where hazing is an excuse to go out at night when i walked up to her the glazed look in her eyes was like the frosting on fresh baked krispy kreame i wouldnt even need a napkin for her she was so inebriated i could catch the scent ouf ethanol pouring out in viscous dimentous liquor amounts from her ears she was post drunk, closure drunk a complete lush she exclaimed to me "Hurray for you!" because , i cooked the food for her in my resteraunt mozarella sticks and 15 second microwaved marinara sauce let me tell you, it takes real skills to cook this stuff incredible conisouer aptitude i racked my brain for something to retort with im polaroid flip booking responses in my head like some twisted rolodex pick up line slot machine and the lucky line is... "I could show you things" i panic breathed " i'd bet we'd go together like black and white T.V., and ill keep cereal in my pocket for you" a very nervous 14 seconds passes and she erupts in a vesuvius expolosion of laughter. the kind of laughter that is extremely obnoxious to everyone else in the bar, but to me, it was like the applaud of a thousand horny cheerleaders who just watched me catch a game winning touchdown at home coming. she knew the reference "Sifl and Olly right?" she says, throwing her hair over her eyes, and leaning over the counter towards me, the proxitimy alone , was like tap dancing on solar flares, i felt 156 beats per minute in my heart accelerating to drum and bass jungle intervals. "thats... thats r r r right" i was studdering like a damn pre schooler then the real magic a moment of about a minute passes where she and i are locked in a brutal stare a soul drilling optic fixation endurance contest she was reading me like a perscription and i her i indulged fanatical dream scenarios in my head of doing what i would have like to have done to her right there counter tops and all food reciepts flapping up and down in perpetual intertia fits like there was a domesticated tornado in the resteraunt watching us fornicate lights are flashing, cars are crashing, all beverage dispensers burst , and spray us in a suicide mix of all sodas we serve there, food containers knock themselves over in a disarray dance of lustful celebration, whiskey bottles burst from sheer agravated excitment, ice cubes MELT , smolder down to withering puddles that we will slip on and force us to the floor i was about ready to profess my undying attraction to her when her abercrombie boyfriend strolled up to her he says "Hey babe, Coyote Ugly is about to close and i have to get up to work tommorow" me :"Where do you work sir?" him "The Gap" i swallowed a bowling ball of remorse and regret to my abdomen, and shrugged, i basically threw in the towel the white towel, for cowardice/ On her way out she looked over her shoulder with her boyfriends arm around her she kissed her hand and blew it towards me as "Gap boy" was grabbing her ass i shuddered, and exhaled, i needed about 250,000 oz of scotch and 100 cigarettes to forget her the sight to mind translation. //////it was the way she walked it was in her shoulders tonight the cadence , the pentameter you could see soliloquy 14 lines of tatoo stained skin trickling down her sides running into her hips she has eyes like the poets its in her optics tonight that endgiving look of hopeless vacancy there i wanna check in under a false name it was the way she spoke rolling s 's and r's like bowling balls down a lane with the child inflatable bumpers on it she conversed with such terminally insiduous deliverance i told her she should an evangelical preacher she has lips like myth heads of old greece Eurydice and Psyche a throwback to the flapper 20's look of Zelda Fitzgerald, and i wanna be her F. Scott. it was the way she turned away from me on her feminine agenda to muse elsewhere daisies springing in her footsteps vernacular gardens in early bloom saying "come back come back" walk backwards, so i can get the sensation of her coming back to me.////

i am currently taking submissions for a girlfriend. requirements (not really, i need to write this because im sadomasochistic) a. you must be willing to completely destroy me as a person, walk on me with clean black bebe strappy heels, the heels must pierce this blob of muscle called a heart preferably in the upper left chamber , and it must not deliver blood to my brain anymore. b. you must sleep with all of my friends, and entertain me with frivalous details of how much better they were in the sac than me. also, size comparisons, be sure to tell me that if you saw me naked, youd die laughing. c. if i tell you a joke, like "you cant spell slaughter without laughter", roll your eyes, roll your fingers around your hair, and let a symphony of cricket sounds cue right on time for an incredibly akward silence to assure me ill never make you laugh. d. you must tell you that you love me, even if you think love is the name of an ancient family dynasty in fuedal japan and are not sure what the meaning of the word itself. also, when its ending, tell me over and over that you love me but that you are not in love with me. then ill know, youre not in an ancient japanese family. e. your beauty must astound me, and you should use that fact to your every advantage, including but not limited to, 1.flirting with every waste white trash hairy backed mid city underpaid overweight slob of a midnight redneck who drools on you. 2. make eyes with whomever you know i can achieve jealousy of. 3. making me believe everything you say, when you know, its exactly what i want to hear f. drug addicts and alchoholics are welcome, we can die together, well write our obituaries with ad-libs. g. very important < be sure to scale me against every other guy in your life , expecially your father and every x boyfriend., i want to know how much more they do for your well being than me, h. ask me if clothes you are wearing match. even though you know im completely color blind, you could be wearing neon orange and lucious white, ill still say you like fine, (i dont know if these colors mismatch, i imagine they do) i. you must have the worst taste in music known to man, please play your backstreet boys and nsync cds on full blast while i pretend to like it, and i will, i have, ill even dance for you. when i bring around any of music , shut it off quickly with vile distaste and exclaim that "joy division doesnt sound joyful to me will" j. you must replace me as a sexual partner with a dildo, not just any vibrating contraption, some kind of midevil torturing device that looks like the antithesist of the human form. when it breaks, make me return it to the "adult video megaplex" and ill wave it 3 inches from the female cashiers face begging for a replacement which will never happen. k. must smoke cigarettes, that is all. /////

i drank dewars today i woke up on the bar, my head resting in a little puddle of melted ice some girl holding a napkin in my face saying "how did you write this" i pulled out an eyeliner someone gave me she says thats the worst eyeliner on the market i told her i didnt plan on wearing it just yet after a few more drinks she was collecting napkins that had fallen off the table around me pointing out which ones she liked which ones were trash "what do you plan to do whith these" me: "sort them to be recycled" her :"can i have this one?" she says holding the BEST of them i told her "only if you promise to burn it later" /////

someone opened my door and said will is missing i was perplexed and beguiled last i checked will was asleep in bed dreaming of becoming a homeless stray cat i said "did you check the pound or humane society" my roommate looks at me in a profoundly trounbled way he says "dude i was joking youre will" i say " if will is missing lets go find him hes probably having hot cat sex right now nine nipples and all" my roommate "they commit euthinasia on the animals in 3 days" this remark makes me fear for will's life and my own i imagine a kennel keeper coming into my room with the death bringing syringe to take my life me :" we have to save will , hes a heroin addicted junky cat, if they bring a syringe around him, it'll trigger his relapse" my roommate "this has gone too far will, your not a junky stray cat, your in your room talking about yourself. and its scaring me" to push it even farther, i go outside and start calling "will here kitty kitty, come here will, i have some heroin for you kitty!" in the end will came home he smelled like hot cat sex he was missing 6 of his 9 nipples said some suzy cat roughed him up a bit she was high on cat nip //////

it must so trying to walk in those high heels you look like a jenga game about to topple it must be so satisfying to breathe in ecstasy power struggles you make it look so easy to be a woman it must be so empowering to put my money in your pocket i only worked 2 weeks for it you get in 4 minutes from me it must be mind numbingly spirit crushing to be the host of this wicked sadisitc game show that you run you make it look like so much fun to dangle me marrionette style from dental floss strings it really must be a challenge to go home look in your reflection and not see what i see a woman on the fringes of a full critical collapse////

she comes into my resteraunt tonight smelling like a thousand one night stands who all wore an enedning amount of department store axe cologne in fact she smells like a department store probably macys her eyes look like tired flourescent lights that flicker and will need to be replaced soon. after staring me down like a champion boxer she puts out her hands to show me her arms where track marks run up and down like junky connect the dots, she says in a desperate breath "ive missed you, i read what you write and you owe me im the muse for all your material, youll be famous because of me" i tell her "acutally im famously unknown isnt it an ironic tragedy?" apparently my humor is misplaced "like a dwarf midget miscast in terminator 5" she steps closer to me her bangs are hanging over her eyes , so its like shes peering out at me from her optics as though they were behind bars on a window, i used to call them danger bangs, because they hung so low they blinded her and she would bumb into everything that existed. hanging there , a few really nerve wrecking moments pass where i search for something to say to fill this catatonic grand canyon of a silence, and for the first freakin time , i can think of anything i cant really find a damn thing to tell her i was at a loss for words, which is like paralysis to me the soles of my work shoes were filled with concrete my feet became lbs. of lead "are you just gonna stand there like a dumbstruck mute?" she says i pretended to make sign language at her she laughed, that laugh is unmistakably forced, like a smile when someone tells a joke and you feel ultimately compelled to laugh not to scar them emotionally, she steps forward i step away she paces forward like a kill hungry cheetah. i suddenly feel like a gazelle strayed from the heard, maybe one who is young with a gimp limping leg or so. women are pack animals anyway she looks at my arms "i know youve been shooting up yourself i saw your pictures and you look fukin strung out, and i know you will" "apparently not " i say lifting my sleeves and exposing trackless arms, just old faded scars there, she looks completely hurt and shocked, the way blood is surging to her face reminds me of e.r. operations i see on tv, red like a bruised apple she wants her junky boy back but i killed him in rehab he got reincarnated as walking brain splurting out meaningless anecdotes i dont even remember his name , will or something after storming out , i realize its finally over closure, is the eulogy, its the roses a family member is laying on your coffin as you snuggle up to 6 feet of earth as comforter for your dirt nap, i go out into the alley and chain smoke god she was beautiful, she still smelled like a thousand daiseys having febreeze orgasms. /////////

heroin addicts dont orgasm some dont i used to have familiar relations with a girl we were a heroin couple we would be (making love) for a long period of time she nor i would ever orgasm then (this is bizarre) she would take a freakin 4 hour bath id come in and shed be there with her crotch under the bath faucet trying to get off shed say "come squeeze my boobs" i would, it wouldnt help shed just get frustrated and yell "i have better sex with broken lightbulbs"//////i wanted to see her, walking backwards get the sensation of her coming home i wanted to see her walking away from me without the sensation thats shes leaving me alone///

im gonna start an army, ill need a sergeant you arm the people, to the teeth then the seargant yells "fire at will" i take off running someone says whos that the sergeant says "thats will"///////

women are the spiritual foundation of anonymity////half of my family is jewish, the other half is catholic, so im religously confused, i wear my Yarmulke to confession////////i keep expecting ashton kutcher to jump out from behind a bush with an mtv film crew and say "youre a punk" or whatever he says, i once had a tan line on my arm in the shape of a syringe, it was fascinating///////

i saw the beau ideal woman today, ,, she could extirpate me with a flutter of wordplay, make hollow promises, and not returned sensual endevours, i imagined her calling me on the phone, static transponding in morse code intervals between panic breaths, ill tell her " sometimes life is like a new bar, plastic seats beer below par, food with no taste , music race, and im living too late" im completely ensorcelled by her , i can sense a estrogen coating thick enough to contain solar flares in the aura beshrouding her. shes kind of a southern belle, with a crucifix dangling obtrusely down her shirt, what a terrible temptation for christ, i think to hang there , in that lush lust fantasy, i cant stop thinking, "id die on that cross" .. this red headed girl was uncommonly attractive, eyes fixed down in female boredom pulling the orange hair behind her ears, mouth slightly parted , hair brushing the side of her shoulder as a smile ignites a vesuvius eruption of lustful bodymines in me. she has that intellectual Tori Amos girl look about her. shes far too attractive to be brought around this titanic town on the sink. She keeps grazing me with her eyes and making me stir crazy in my seat. Huge cocaine sunglasses planted on top of her pale white skin, i cant take my eyes from her, shes magnetic, in this vacant stare of hers, i wanna ask her ,, whats it like, to be the acrophobia angel,,, to obviously conceal wings under her hoodie, but to be morbidly afraid of the heaven where she dwells, because its so high up. ////////its been a terribly long day/////

at my resteraunt, we hold a meeting for all kitchen staff. jen (the owners sister) says we all need to be careful about the dangers of "cross contamination" i say "is that when you dip a crucifix in diseased blood , like aids or hep c?" she says "no its when you dont wash your hands and carry germs from raw chicken"/////////

when i woke up on the beach, the syringe was still in my arm, when i pulled it out and tossed it, my brother comes up running "look at my tan will!" his tan was acually not as impressive as mine, mine was in the shape of a syringe on my arm ////////

she comes to austin with christi, and i start breathing in escapist panic breaths, i wanna see her, no i dont , yes i do, no i dont, but really, i dont want to see her, i want to see her so badly, my skin plays epidermal tricks on me, eyes are mosaics, i go through all these fanatical carrie scenarios in my head, what ill say, what i wont say, what ill do, what ill never do again, i run through an encyclopedia of routines to tell her in my head all indexed accordingly from least to most important, i wanna tell her, "im dead" and i wanna tell her "youre alive" and i wanna tell her"the living dont consort with the dead" you see so we cant hang out. i want to breath smoke, and rain sulphur from this western graveyard sky, i wanna say one day i wont be so lonely, and then i walk on water every chance i get. . . .to boot. when in the end, after all the anticipation circus dances i do in my room alone,,,,, she goes to her heroin dealer with her ipod, and i end up not seeing her at all..........right now i want to drink heavily, i want to plow syringes in my vein, dull syringes, dull as harpoons pulled from fresh wounds on impaled whales, i want.......her to leave me alone. //////////" william terry is a self centered meglomaniac with an overdeveloped sense of tragedy everything he writes is a post burroughsian knock off because he still thinks he is the hetero reincarnation of that junky queer" //////

the world is no blanket , just a thin shower curtain i just want to smoke cloves and die i didnk in powerless bars today (the power was out that day) i didnt see christi in scum filled streets today i didnt stare with wreckless abandon at women who would never favor me i didnt give away dead presidents for worthless consumer society goods and perishables today i didnt absorb by osmosis the dogmatic principles and propaganda of recovery today (bill w is no modersnist, drunks r different today) i didnt inject myself with virulent potent opiates today, i didnt drink today //////ok, imagine, that you are a paralyzed quadrpalegic, and you must paint with your mouth, using blood from your tongue. which you must first cut on a butter knife////////////

phosphurent stage lights are in numerical interchange in the shadowplay. Cassey, keeps asking me if she is doing her lap dance right. youredoing just fine i say as she presses my hand into her right breast. "is is my first time to give a lap dance , just so you know" Riley the more experienced dancer is giving her striptease intstructions at my side Riley: "ill give you a free dance to show her how to do it" Casey:" Yea i need to practice on you more" Dont try to to make small talk with a stripper when shes giving you lap dances, everything comes out in baby coos, the way you try to converse with a dentist when he is working on your teeth, no matter what you say it comes out completely the antithesist of meaningful conversation. its all "awwwwra ok" "So you into politics?" I ask Roxy as she is lowering herself down my middle, giving me my 1st lap dance. "Do you care much for Bush" i could hear crickets fucking in the background after that question. "i care much more about adjusting my g - string than who is president,, is it still clinton?" "I watched c-span one time while stripping" As she is doubling over, lights in the room do magical musical chairs, i think i exhaled pure concentrated estrogen between cigarettes. In all, the desensitization, was well worth whatever meaningless hours i put in at the resteraunt cooking food, a few moments of showing a brand new stripper how to lap dance was beyond its worth in emolument,/////////

my band is playing at krystal,in san antonio, on the 9th and at grand central station on the 20th, were called sindustry,youhsould be there, well be giving away the corresponding chambers and ventricles to my heart, first lucky winner will recieve my sense of humor in a paper bag, and 2nd place is a piggyback ride on me to the nearest convenient store, 3rd place recieves a small vial containing my ego, it is forzen solid, as a piece of ice to be placed in your alchoholic beverage./////////the only difference between martydom and suicide is press coverage./////////

the day i die i want the song "heroin" by the velvet underground to be played at my funeral. i also want all attendees to wear all black, and everyone must tell a funny joke or anecdote at the podium, no pal bearers, a team of excited monkeys on skates must carry me to the san antonio river and dump me in in front of tourists who drink at the riverwalk... //////////

the secret to success 1. minimum wage for politicians 2. tell bush "stupidity is not a crime, you are free to go" "when did i stop wanting to become president?" probably at birth and sometime before, a public position on the up and up, a career of shaking hands, making speeches, and taking the rap holds no appeal for me, who aspires to be the sultan of sewers, an antihero eye deep in corruption, drugs, and stoic insolence, watching "old glory float lazily in the tainted breeze" //////////////

today is the day that women at my job throws waffle fires all over me. apparently she heard me say that paralytics give the best blow jobs (they articulate everything with their mouth) then i made some comment about how quadrapalegics dont fight much during sex (no offense to anyone) apparently someone in her family is paralyzed quadrpalegic. i learned my lesson. then she asked for ranch and i said "wouldnt you rather have fat free ranch" (im a jerk)/////////

how i met my x gf the way i met my current x girlfriend is the best she says lets go back to my place i say ok. we get there and she introduces me to her boyfriend on the couch, im thinking ok be mr friend here and play it cool. then she sits next to me and starts making out with me immediately. i indulge for awhile then say " hey your bf is here and knows what is going on" her: "no hes fucked up hes been drinking" me:" can we go some where else" her: "yea lets go to the kitchen" so i have her on the counter top in a full v spread and we are going at it. her boyfriend comes in and looks at me in the eyes, then at our crotches which are in unison in the act of coutis, then he looks at her then the fridge im thinking, he hides the knives he will stab with in the fridge. his eyes eye on(me, her, fridge)(fridge her me)(me her fridge) then he opens the fridge gets out a glass of milk looks at me nonchalantly and drinks the milk . me :"he definately saw us " her: "no hes fuct up and has no idea!" me: "can we go somewhere else?" yea lets go to the bedroom" me:"ok" i close the bedroom door behind me which she kicks open immediately with a view to the couch where her boyfriend is in eyeshot. . he is watching us fornicate ,his eyes piercing me (his eyes could pierce a submarines hull) me:"he is looking into my soul" her:"no its cool ,,,,,,he just watches" ill go you one further at this point she says "have you ever heard of erotic asphyxiation?" me :"yes but i am not going to the hospital with an o.c.d. bi polar rage throwing time bomb ticking junky whose boyfriend just watched me fuck while drinking a glass of milk" her:" fine fuk you ill do it myself" she takes off my belt and ties it around her neck. as she is riding me, posters in her room are swivel dancing in perpetual inertia fits as though a domesticated tornado is in the room wathching us fuck, she comes loudly, lays down next to me ,,, she takes out a virginia slims 100, lights it up and takes a big drag//////////she looks at me and says "how are you getting home?"////////////

i watched this highly impatient clock on the wall at my job drop slow sands. Hour Hand Minute hand Second hand smoke. my fellow cook coughs and looks up at me sternly. smoke venting out of me like a sirloin. "fuk you eno , i smoke as i wash dishes pinche vato" he says something in honduran or guatemalen but i think its actually spanish. "you also drink as you wash dishes " says my boss as he sets down two beers next to the sink. I stare at them. then i dialogue with them. "No i cant drink you" ,,, but the beers whisper to me. "What? " take you away with me?" No i cant theyll see us!" then the beer says no they wont" "Oh yes they will... Whats that? you want me to elope with you on a 5 day drinking binge and end up ringing my clothes through a gutter? Hmmmmm i dont know sounds enticing!!! hey beer! ill just kiss you ok? one kiss on the rim wont hurt!!! no im not a tease! ill give you some tongue." I pull the beer to my lips like im about to make out with it, before it reaches me I pour it quickly down the sink. and laugh hysterically on into the night. "Hey shithead, those beers were on draft but if youre just gonna conversate with your booze, then pretend to kiss it, how about making relations with this here mop? " my manager is strange. the mop is nicer though.. " whats that mop? you want me to smash you into my boss' skull? oh mop you kid too much..."/////////////////////////////////////a girl at my job today decided to tell me that she liked me by throwing a french fry at me, instead of hitting me it bounced off a wall and splattered into the hot grease frier at my side. as boiling hot grease begins to melt on my forearm, she runs over and grabs me by the neck and kisses me most passionately, the cold hot mix of a kiss and and small fire on my skin, was enticingly surreal. as she pulls away she said " my x boyfirend was a vegetarian" i said "so treating you like a piece of meat takes on a whole different connotation for him, does he treat you like a piece of lettuce?"///////////

i was working in a store, i cant say which store but i can tell you , they are a republic of bannannas. I was shooting up in the employee bathroom when on my walkie talkie i hear "will to the sales floor" i go out there and there is a lady holding a sweater: her: "do you have this in a medium:" i pulll out my walkie talkie to do a stock check but instead of saying "stock check " i say "heroin" into the company walkie talkie. it rings through all the employees walkie talkies including my managers. I realizing i am fucked and decide to go out in a blaze of glory, after putting the walkie talkie back in my pocket i pull it out again to say "cancel the heroin" and my baggie of brown opiates snags on the clip to the walkie talkie, it flies out and sprays all over the ladies sweater and her. ....shes looking at me and says"can i still buy the sweater?" i wanted to tell her , no mamm you can not, because i am not done injecting your sweater yet. needless to say, i am banned from bannana republic in san antonio. ////////////////// ///i am not sane, in fact i am in pieces, i have fanatical dirt nap fantasies, i crave 6 feet of earth comforters, i want embalming fluid cocktails, fermildehide chasers, heroin appetizers, i realized what heroin is, it is a death obsession, the desire to hear the last cello note of your threnody sung by a clergy of addicts, to intake the chorus of "once again" at your requiem, somewhere in the audible distance3, i heard our strephonade sounding out over the dimly lit streets of Squire Falls. ///with the suns rise was an acclaimation, flourescent blue in it's advent, mulberry irridescent and nacreous wisteria blue, i was free, carte blanche, complete manumission, i could feel the oppossing luni-form satellite, the lunar crest fallout, the radial abraxis...